An Interview

In case I ever become famous (which is very probable and will happen very soon), I don’t want to be that person who wastes his time surrounded by reporters and photographers all the time. My time will be used up in more productive persuits like making dehydrated water, refillable refills, re-lightable matchsticks, a seven shot pistol, mascara that fades away after 6 hours, a clock that rotates anti-clockwise, etc (you get the general idea).

Naturally, the media will be after me, trying to get my story published, earlier than their competitors. Well boo hoo! I beat them all to it. I have interviewed myself. You guys can use the interview to generate more traffic for your blog.

Moving on, let’s waste some more time. I want to give you the perfect buildup. Our world has a very limited time. People want to waste it very sparingly. The main point of an interview is for the audience/visuience to know the interviewee. (I could have written an “about” page. But since when did I start following my own thoughts?) So here I am, giving you the much unawaited interview. Just a little disclaimer though: All questions and answers in this “interview” are fictional. But that does not make them untrue or fake. I have tried my best to keep the questions offensive,but I can’t please everyone; I am not a pizza. (Re-re-reading my blog, I DO HAVE an about page. Well, I fancied another section about me. Shoot me!)

The Interview:
Me: Hello and welcome. Our readers would like to know a little bit about you.
Also Me: Thanks for having me. I am not a very interesting person to know. Just your average guy next door. I write blogs and read them too. In between, I manage to run a small business.
Me: How did your writing journey began?
Also Me: I began writing in my elementary school. The teachers tell me that I was very bad at it. I was intrigued by that. I wanted to do something I am bad at. Seriously though, diary and journal writing was a habit I had to develop over time. I had read that many great leaders used to maintain their daily records, I wanted to become great like them. It all started with writing down lyrics from favourite songs. Once or twice I wrote down things that were bothering me. Something magical happened at that moment. Writing became my therapy, my outlet for unnamed emotions. Suddenly I could take my thoughts out and re-think them as per my requirement. It was handier than a pensive in Harry Potter.
Me: Wow thanks. Although I’d prefer you give out short answers. Good for the featured list and radio friendly too.
Also Me: ,|,,(-_-),,|,
Me (After a pause) : Any particular influences that helped define your writing style?
Also Me: Not any one particular blog. I have taken influences from various authors, bloggers, lyricists, poets, content writers, painters, drawers (they who draw), reporters, journalists (they who write a journal) and many more. Feynman’s Lectures on Physics, a very popular blog called unbolt.me , Ayn Rand’s Fountainhead, Sherlock Holmes’ stories and Methods Of Rationality changed my perspective drastically. My writing style is borrowed, stolen, inspired and modified form of all the things I have read. But somehow, everything feels so personal too. I would have hated myself if I merely copied them. Instead all of their thoughts, their way of expression were interpreted by me and are presented here in the things I write.
Me: Any recommendations for the new upcoming blogger?
Also Me: Yes. Stop writing!
Me: Excuse me?…. I mean… Please elaborate why shouldn’t they write.
Also Me: I think writers, authors, bloggers, musicians and all artists in general, try to shove their points down others’ throats. I get it, Mundane Monday Challenges, Hundred word story Challenge, A quote a day challenge, Typing with your left hand challenge are fun; but their aim is to let the writing juices flow and not become the only thing people talk about. An artist creates his art to express what is inexpressible using day to day tools. If there ever was a time where you thought that you’d explode if you didn’t let the idea out, then you know what I am talking about. So yeah, don’t write because you can. Write because you can’t not.
Me: That’s really deep. Especially coming from someone who’s blog has URL “a chaotic state of mind”
*Sound of punching and breaking vases on interviewer’s head*
Me: I meant that it was a very unusual title. Why did you choose such a name?
Also Me: I have tried to think about thinking and its processes. The hows, whens and the whys of thought formation and their transition to actions and memories. Some thoughts become memories because of emotional attachment, some because of their utility while others because of their absurdity. Once these memories are stored, they become strangely attached and intertwined. The only way I can define these memories and thoughts is through the word chaos. Hence the name.
Me: Looks like someone has been using a lot of thesaurus lately.
*Sound of slapping on cheeks*
Also Me: Well, you were asking for it.
Me: No way. All I asked for was an interview.
Me: Referring to the so called “deleted” post, who was that girl?
Also Me: She goes by the name ‘none of your business’. That story is mind’s version of whatever had happened between her and me. Nothing more, nothing less. Now be a good Elsa and let it go.
Me: Okay. All right. Let’s talk about the weather.
Also Me: Something about the Interview please.
Me: Yeah.. Thanks for the interview. It was really…okay-ish.
*Sounds of pushing someone out and banging of door*
*Angrily murmurs*

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Blogging Mistakes – 101

It has been a long time since this blog has taken birth. What came as a pleasant surprise that some people actually read what I have written. Although I do like tiny yellow dots on that notification bell, I care about people too much to see them wasting their time. Time, which could be used on increasing their physical strength, looking for newer ways to challenge their creativity, learn to do quick calculation in their head, master an art, learn a foreign language, honing mental abilities, solving puzzles, oss  (or some shit).

I can not teach you to develop inquisitiveness, interest, ambitions or passion. Those things are developed naturally. For example, one can read hundred books on becoming an author. But not one of them will help him (for ambiguity) to create a good story. Things like that come from something inside of our minds.

Now where was I, yes. Blogging mistakes. I got sidetracked. Which is our mistake  number 1. Do not drift off-topic. Readers have limited time. They are busy looking at cat pictures. Hence, if you fail to stick to the subject at hand, you’ve made a wrong move.

Mistake number 2 is when you fail to attach media to your post. Always use a picture. It gives the reader something to look at while they pretend to read. Better if that picture is of a celebrity, or a cat. Maybe attach a video of a cat doing funny things.

The third thing you might be doing wrong is that you are using too less tags. Always tag your blog entries with funny, serious,cat, cate, dog, doggo, pupper, your name, bored, a famous celebrity, sherlock, wordpress, fresh. This way your blog will pop up on more search queries.

Mistake number 4: Not socialising. A blog rarely goes viral. People can look at a 30 minute video but will not read a 2 min long post. So, it is your responsibility to visit the “uncategorised ” section looking for new bloggers to follow. They’ll appreciate the gesture and follow you back as a thank-you. Also make sure to leave comments on featured blogs. That does not make you look like an attention seeker. People look at those comments and think “Hmm..he must a down to earth guy. Let’s check his blog”

Mistake number 5: Not using money. Your posts maybe of gold value, but they wont reach a wide audience. This is because some losers have already paid for their mediocre blogs to be featured on must-reads. Do yourself a favour and pay those advertising agents to reach a lot more people.

Mistake number 6: Pray, do not think yourself as an already successful author. You may think that people will hate your blog, challenge your beliefs, or refute your opinions. But sadly, some of your posts will not even be read. Avoid the mistake of giving up too early (like 5 years).

See. Am I not a great teacher? Never mind, do not answer that.